A moment of protest & quiet...

Tonight I found myself give up for a moment. Mentally, emotionally and physically drained. I was between two racks of clothes on the floor sitting with my legs crossed......ready to start chanting. Okay I wasn't going to chant but I had finally had it with the stores and the insane lunatic holiday shoppers. I clearly needed a hot second to stop and think.

Me, a THIRTY-FIVE year  old sitting on the dirty floor. In public. My darling life partner was somewhere around the bend looking for a sweater with my son when I had my adult sized tantrum.  I did sit there quietly. Everything in my head went very quiet. I was staring almost perfectly into an opening where dozens of people were crowding a register. All I could think was "Oh my God. This is NOT what Christmas is about!"

As I was sitting there, my head was getting all these thoughts like flashes. I found myself getting physically ill the more I thought about how intensely materialistic we are & how life is not meant to be so freaking technical!  Yes, I am one of "those" people that would be MUCH happier moving to a commune where only problems could arise if there wasn't enough compost or rain.....why can't I just worry about simple things.

I did not cause a scene. I just stopped, literally, in my tracks. Sat down. Between two metal racks. Not one person was near me. I felt extremely alone at that moment too. Why do i have to feel like this? Why do i have to constantly meditate just to get my mind right?? Why can't I get my dad off of my mind right now? I am brought back to a point where all of my self assured confidence flew out the store window!

After what felt like an eternity but was only a couple of minutes, I stood up slowly. Looking around to see if anyone noticed me sitting there like a freak. No one. 

Wait..... That WAS my moment of meditation!!?!!? 

After trying on clothes that will please my significant other and his family, after losing my mind going to different stores looking for specific gifts that grown ups have requested, after spending two days worrying about how I'm going to find the time to bake for extra people, after feeling under the weather but still doing everything without missing a beat.....I think that I was well overdue for some relief!

I guess I can look at it this way, I didn't fall out, I was lead to this spot. God gave me a few moments of peace and truly let me see, once again, what life was truly about. A minute to recharge mySELF.

I was raised a Catholic. I am a Christian. By no means am I one of "those" Christians who proclaim the word of God all day then proceed to be a hypocrite. I believe God is everywhere all the time in everything and everyone! I had to make that clear.  I have found that meditation is the closest I can become to being spiritual, even more so than entering any church out there. Our thoughts are powerful and come from God. There is no arguing this.

After coming home completely spent, I sit down next to my little guy on the couch and start to unwind.  I click the top button on my iPad and begin to check Facebook per usual.  I was then reminded in black and white lettering that I was not alone. I also have found the most amazing loving friends through this network of people. I have been warmly received and do not feel so alone when it comes to real deep matters of the heart. I do not have a strong network of people that back me up in my everyday life. No tight relationships I can count on. The only TRUE BLUE friend that I have as a constant and trust with my life lives hundreds of miles away. I have pleaded with God and universe to bring me some sincere comfort and low and behold he did! We receive exactly what we ask for, it just may happen in an unexpected way or maybe after a long series of events. I may be feeling stress and heavy loss for my dad right now but I'm full of a special kind of peace at the moment.  I couldn't be more grateful once again.

~ I want people to know how incredibly important it is to meditate. I have been doing this for almost a year now (thanks to a couple special ladies in LB who taught me) and it has given me a strong grip on my mental and emotional health. When meditating everything will truly slow down and clear up.
....Oh and please don't follow my lead and drop to the floor when the spiritual need is present but keep in mind that meditation is all in the heart and mind which makes it easy to do ANYWHERE! :)