A moment of protest & quiet...

Tonight I found myself give up for a moment. Mentally, emotionally and physically drained. I was between two racks of clothes on the floor sitting with my legs crossed......ready to start chanting. Okay I wasn't going to chant but I had finally had it with the stores and the insane lunatic holiday shoppers. I clearly needed a hot second to stop and think.

Me, a THIRTY-FIVE year  old sitting on the dirty floor. In public. My darling life partner was somewhere around the bend looking for a sweater with my son when I had my adult sized tantrum.  I did sit there quietly. Everything in my head went very quiet. I was staring almost perfectly into an opening where dozens of people were crowding a register. All I could think was "Oh my God. This is NOT what Christmas is about!"

As I was sitting there, my head was getting all these thoughts like flashes. I found myself getting physically ill the more I thought about how intensely materialistic we are & how life is not meant to be so freaking technical!  Yes, I am one of "those" people that would be MUCH happier moving to a commune where only problems could arise if there wasn't enough compost or rain.....why can't I just worry about simple things.

I did not cause a scene. I just stopped, literally, in my tracks. Sat down. Between two metal racks. Not one person was near me. I felt extremely alone at that moment too. Why do i have to feel like this? Why do i have to constantly meditate just to get my mind right?? Why can't I get my dad off of my mind right now? I am brought back to a point where all of my self assured confidence flew out the store window!

After what felt like an eternity but was only a couple of minutes, I stood up slowly. Looking around to see if anyone noticed me sitting there like a freak. No one. 

Wait..... That WAS my moment of meditation!!?!!? 

After trying on clothes that will please my significant other and his family, after losing my mind going to different stores looking for specific gifts that grown ups have requested, after spending two days worrying about how I'm going to find the time to bake for extra people, after feeling under the weather but still doing everything without missing a beat.....I think that I was well overdue for some relief!

I guess I can look at it this way, I didn't fall out, I was lead to this spot. God gave me a few moments of peace and truly let me see, once again, what life was truly about. A minute to recharge mySELF.

I was raised a Catholic. I am a Christian. By no means am I one of "those" Christians who proclaim the word of God all day then proceed to be a hypocrite. I believe God is everywhere all the time in everything and everyone! I had to make that clear.  I have found that meditation is the closest I can become to being spiritual, even more so than entering any church out there. Our thoughts are powerful and come from God. There is no arguing this.

After coming home completely spent, I sit down next to my little guy on the couch and start to unwind.  I click the top button on my iPad and begin to check Facebook per usual.  I was then reminded in black and white lettering that I was not alone. I also have found the most amazing loving friends through this network of people. I have been warmly received and do not feel so alone when it comes to real deep matters of the heart. I do not have a strong network of people that back me up in my everyday life. No tight relationships I can count on. The only TRUE BLUE friend that I have as a constant and trust with my life lives hundreds of miles away. I have pleaded with God and universe to bring me some sincere comfort and low and behold he did! We receive exactly what we ask for, it just may happen in an unexpected way or maybe after a long series of events. I may be feeling stress and heavy loss for my dad right now but I'm full of a special kind of peace at the moment.  I couldn't be more grateful once again.

~ I want people to know how incredibly important it is to meditate. I have been doing this for almost a year now (thanks to a couple special ladies in LB who taught me) and it has given me a strong grip on my mental and emotional health. When meditating everything will truly slow down and clear up.
....Oh and please don't follow my lead and drop to the floor when the spiritual need is present but keep in mind that meditation is all in the heart and mind which makes it easy to do ANYWHERE! :)

"Signs.. signs.. everywhere are these darn signs!"

"I've never met a writer that decided to write because they 'thought it was a good idea.' Writers are driven by passion or pure emotion." ~DRL

 I absolutely have no intentions of writing anymore until I make something very clear. I did not just wake up one morning, scratch my head and exclaim "I think that I will be a writer!". That is not how I work. It's a passion that I was afraid to expose, but I have recently been hit with the inclination that I am suppose to write. After a lifetime of journals, poems and therapeutic unsent letters; I have now seen the signs and have decided to follow this path. This is the path that I was meant to take. I know what people are thinking. I see signs, yes, it sounds crazy as heck but let me enlighten you a bit.


My whole existence there has been signs but not until recent years did I realize how to really read them and acknowledge that they actually and quite rationally do exist! For example, as a child I would read the signs without knowing what the heck I was doing, people just called me sensitive so I did as well, but there is more to it than sensitivity. As an elementary student for the short period I had attended public school, I rode the bus with the other neighborhood children. There was a morning I woke up and remember very clearly how I entered my mom's bedroom, slowly approaching her with a nervous stomach and explained to her that I just didn't feel right that morning. I remember looking to the side of her bed at the television on her night stand.....when I heard the word "bus". I began to cry really hard and I remember the look in this poor woman's eyes looking down at her daughter who now was completely distraught.

I begged for only a few seconds to stay home from school before my mom had the phone in her hand excusing me from today's attendance. It wasn't long before my mom got a phone call that the bus had been pulled off the side of road. No one was hurt but the phone call was to inform parents that the children will be arriving late and everything was taken care of. If my memory serves me correctly I believe the bus driver was intoxicated and that was the cause to whatever had happened that morning.

I told this story to give a small example of how the rest of my life would then be like. Many many times I've seen the signs and listened, sometimes not even knowing what the heck I'm doing but just trusting my gut instinct. There are many more times I ignored these signs which has probably been the reason for some of my life's negative outcomes.

Last summer I took a very important and long overdue trip. I connected with some amazing relatives. While surrounded by these beautiful loved ones I was given an opportunity to read the contemplations and beautiful declarations of my Grandmother who has passed, while looking through an old album. There were a couple of intensely thoughtful and sensitive short writings in that book of pictures. She was a military Sergeant, a wonderful grandmother, and a great writer among many many things.

After the loving connection with these family members I then unexpectedly connected with something amazing and very powerful.... Self.
After thirty five years of being, I was filled with something new and very special. Call it a very personal and spiritual quest or whatever you will but I now see everything a little differently. I have the spiritual ammunition to try to help my children grow into instinctively aware and loving individuals.

I am confident. I am contented. I am connected.

After going through this spiritual awakening of sorts I also learned the art of meditation. With a little guidance by loved ones I now can try to meditate, pray and ask God and Universe let me see the signs that I need to see. I watch for them with a very open mind and with a heart full of love. I try.

As a final example, a few months back we took the children to the Lincoln Park Zoo and we spent the whole day downtown Chicago. This was the day I read my final sign.....

A Thousand Yard Stare at the picture of my past

Looking through pictures and I wonder....
How is it that for someone who would crave the attention from her friends and family, someone who sought it out with vigorous effort for many many years can actually end up with so VERY few pictures of her children with any of those friends or family???
I have no ego anymore and need to get some things out and into the open (hence the writing).....

I was one of many who did not have the cookie cutter life growing up. That sentence just made me giggle. My mom and I headed for the hills on a cross country trip from California to Chicago when I was real little, I couldn't have been older than about five years old. My mom still often will tell tales of that hair raising trip she took. She packed up her belongings, strapped me in a seat and drove through mountains, endured a couple intensely frightening situations, drove long and far with Chicago as her destination. Back home for mom.

Both of my parents were born and raised hard core Chicagoans. My father was moved out to Cali after my grandma noticed my dad & uncle were getting into a bit of trouble as a teenagers as well as to somehow protect my phenomenally gorgeous aunt who was the youngest. Thanks for trying grandma. My mom grew up close to my dad and they were friends but hadn't gotten together until years later after he was in California for a while.

My Aunt, mom's only sibling, and cousins still lived in Chicago. My grandma was tucked away for a while, before grandpa's passing, in a little town called Knox, Indiana. I really loved that town, the little Dairy Queen down yonder & the big ol' drug store that sold just about everything.

My parents had a love that grew for many many years even before they had gotten together. I was born out of that amazing love not long after they reunited when he returned from Vietnam. We lived in my grandma's house in Garden Grove where I was surrounded with family until my mom's move. When we moved to Chicago my mom and I lived in a really cool apartment on the bottom floor. We didn't have much but I was so loved I didn't know the difference between have and have not. My mom worked her fingers to the bone and eventually was even able to send me to private schools for most of my education. Only a couple times did I attend public, one year a public school attempt was due to hours of begging and not for financial reasons.

My father would go back and forth between trying to be a great dad here and going back to California. Please understand that when in Vietnam my father was the sole survivor in his platoon. He was a man who hated war. He wasn't the same person anymore. He was ill. His intentions were good. He was injured and even refused to receive his Purple Heart award. I respect him for that, I do. I love my father even if I didn't understand him then, I do now. I hurt, ache, for him now.

I grew up becoming quite attached to my cousins and aunt in Chicago. So much so that I started to almost believe I had brothers and sisters. Though many a night I would ask my mom when I could go see everyone in California but my mom would never entertain the thought of me leaving her sight for too long. She brings it up plenty these days how she wished she would have kept me closer to them.

The last time I saw my father was the day he left to go back to California. It was merely days before his departure that my father had promised to buy us a house and we even discussed that we would get a Great Dane to add to our little family. I will never forget that. My mom dropped me off, after picking me up from school, with my dad but he was in a real big hurry for some reason and didn't talk much. He made me nervous. Soon enough he took me across the hall, knocked on the door, and explained to our neighbors that he was in a hurry and had to catch a flight. He asked them to watch me until my mom got home from work. I gripped him tight, I began screaming, crying and begging as soon as I realized what was going on. To no avail. He let go of my grip. The strangers grabbed me and pulled me in. In a flash he was gone. He wasn't coming back.

Not long after, my earthly father was received into heaven. It was Dec 30 when he was taken from everyone who loved him. I was only a year older than my oldest son is now when cirrhosis of the liver took my dad.

This is always a strange time of year for me. So is the issue of alcohol. I myself have fought with that demon.....and I won!

After the years go by and I look at the small picture of my past I realize that nothing is perfect. I can't be so upset all the time that I don't have the connection I deeply crave with my family out in California. I shouldn't hold this deep regret for the loss of time with my father, my grandparents, aunt, great aunts or even friends who have passed. I can't be sad that after I endured a very unhealthy marriage which resulted in much needed divorce how I somehow lost even more family and friends here in Chicago. I've wasted too much time with regret.

I am now coming to a peaceful understanding that people may come in and out of our lives when they do for a reason. What reason you ask. I don't know for sure. I just know that I'm not the only one in the world who has felt the sense of loss or feeling out of place somehow. I also know that out of everything tough there IS something beautiful that can happen as result. I know I will teach my children the importance of exposing themselves to family and friend's that they love as much as possible, even if I'm not an expert these days.

I am currently on this path of learning all of life's lessons. I appreciate everyone who has touched my life in whatever way they have. I will not have regrets even if I have made a million mistakes. I am also working on building a strong sense of contentment and a peaceful mind when it comes to the fact that dynamics change between people and not to to be upset by this. I've learned to keep to myself and put all of my efforts into my family but will try to keep my heart open and available. God and universe will bring people in and out of our lives for a reason and we learn something from everything I suppose.

Do kids like puzzles? Ask me, I'll tell ya!

Do kids like puzzles? Oh yes they do! Even the kids that say they don't ..... They really do, trust me.

After about five minutes of coaxing my ten year old, who "does not like puzzles", to play a five hundred piece Monsters Inc. puzzle, he finally gave in to my pressure! Ha ha! I then gambled to ask my four year old & his father. They both refused because neither of them were even slightly interested.

My oldest opened the unsealed puzzle box and dumped it over on to the table. Then a trillion pieces fell out! (Okay, not that many.) We feverishly spread them out in the middle of the table trying to scoot them slightly to one side. We turned each and every piece over to see it's pattern while exchanging pleasant chit chat.

After little bouts of excitement and giggles when we would find an extremely sought after puzzle piece, my youngest started to take notice from across the room. Papa and my youngest were busy entertaining themselves on the XBOX the entire time up until the little one jumped up when he finally had it with all the fun we were having over at the dining room table without him!

I had eventually lured all of the boys to the table. You couldn't wipe the grin off of my face at that very moment if you tried your hardest!

I achieved my goal. I summoned my family to a little much needed calming and peaceful interaction without having to throw a mini Mama tantrum. <wink>

Even though we never put together the entire puzzle we actually had fun!.....

Am I horrible that I forgot to mention that I was fully aware that this puzzle was missing pieces but was so desperate to get everyone to comply with my activity that I presented it as "new"!?!?! Haahaa!

Rockin' the puzzles & pushing them as often as possible now! :-)

International Denounce Your Classifications and Announce Your Humanity Day

I saw a couple things on the Internet today that made me want to scream...

~I want to declare a day that everyone as a worldly collective will denounce their classifications and announce their humanity!~

I'm so exhausted from hearing about race, culture and lifestyle that I just refuse to acknowledge it anymore from this day forward....
I too have had some ignorant things said towards me & behind my back by grown adults.  After my feelings were mended I just assumed it was the personal insecurities of that particular individual and shrugged it off.  I have been told that I am slightly oblivious to some of these things.

I have finally "HAD IT" with ignorance and negativity.  People are constantly getting "hated on" for just being themselves and those who are trying to live in peace.

I was so upset to see more crappy news today. Basically it was the various examples of discrimination and how much attention that it received. I believe we all should be free to just LIVE. Think about how ridiculous it is that we have this huge amazing earth and people should be free to LIVE on it. Can you imagine God looking down from the heavens pointing his finger at earth and saying, "You people must stay in your own corners of the earth & do NOT whatsoever try to get together & unite as one earth of civilized humans! Oh, also You MUST be angry, stressed and hateful. "

This was not the intention of God and Universe!

To be.
To thrive.
To LIVE.
To love.

Where is our focus?

Things Change....

In the matter of moments things can change. For this is the reason I am constantly reminding myself to be truly grateful for everything! ♥

During nice weather I like to go outside and just "be". I find myself looking up a lot or just soaking up the sun, staring at leaves or being completely taken by a tree in the distance and it's shaking leaves. Sometimes I actually think the leaves sparkle in the sun..... I can be easily amused and filled with love. For years I've loved long walks, with company or in solitude and can find true peace where I am always content with my thoughts...

It is important to be able to take yourself out of a stressful moment in time and just appreciate the life that surrounds you to get yourself back to a place of peace.

I've had to recently struggled to put myself back in that place....

This Thanksgiving my oldest son has decided to spend it with his dad. It is the very first Thanksgiving he will not be feasting and giving thanks with me. I'm feeling a little down that I won't be spending time with him tomorrow but am happy he is excited about his time with his father.... Well, things do change.

Every year it's either my mom or I cooking the Thanksgiving feast. We usually go all out with an abundant amount of food and dessert but we have decided, kind of last minute, to refrain from cooking.
My grandma on my mom's side of the family is not well and is taking a more concerning turn. My grandma is in a hospital rehabilitation center due to the fact that she needs round the clock medical care. She is very frail and is always hooked to a breathing machine which breaks my heart. It's all so heartbreaking. Everyone does whatever they can to try to make her as happy as possible but it doesn't always work. Tomorrow on Thanksgiving I will be going with my mom to bring her pie & spend time with her. ♥

Well, we may not be having a turkey this year but we have each other and that is TRULY all that matters.......... Even though things change.
~Stay Positive~

Peace & Love

"thinking positively"

Feeling an extraordinary attitude change and thinking positively about the holidays. I have also begun mental & residential preparations for an impending Chicago winter. It's really hard to tell what it was that put me in such a positive place of mind. Could it have been the little nostalgic conversations I have been having with the kids lately. It's possible it could have been all of the Christmas music I've been listening to in the kitchen while drinking my pumpkin pie spiced coffees. Well anything is possible, so I now push forward to plan my little Thanksgiving feast and start to fuel the children's excitement with all of my baking habits.

It's funny how certain things can swiftly bring you back to your own place of comfort. Like when I hear people say, "think of a place that brings you peace", I immediately think of sitting on my mom's homemade couch in my living room around the holidays. The next visual I get is some black and white movie with the beautiful melodic sound of Bing Crosby. I'll never forget how I was able to turn my head to look outside and either anxiously watch for snow or blissfully enjoy a blanket of snow through our glass patio doors. I especially loved sprawling on the floor by the coffee table my mom used as a tree stand. I would lie with my hands clasped behind my head just staring up at the flashing lights of the Christmas tree. I find it funny now that I use to look over each and every ornament, just feeling the memory imprinted on each gift to the tree. Oh how I loved this time of year and the great feelings it can bring.

I heard "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" yesterday and had a lovely chuckle once again. Man oh man how that song can make me laugh, horrible, yet delightfully silly! Since I am feeling upbeat I will now seek out when my favorite movies will be on to make note of.

"Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings" ♥

 " 'No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!'-Ralphie; 'You'll Shoot Your Eye Out Kid!'-Santa" ♥

"I get no ZZZ's!"

I am very tired today and possibly a bit annoyed....
Every single night there is a deafening rumble that comes from my bed. It is by far not an earthquake or a lion under the covers but it is indefinitely the roar of a man & his snore. I am kept awake by this every single night of my life & feel as if it is the sound of hell coming to claim me......  Noooooooooo!! 

I was born to this earth a nervous critter not to mention a very bad sleeper.....
How could I have stumbled upon the only man who snores with a base box attached to his throat????????

Good God I need some relief & a multitude of restful nights!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

On the more ironic side to things, I did happen to meet someone who ALSO wakes up every night during the witching hour. I suppose I could categorize that under "someone who understands me ", I guess...

My dream:
~To meet up with my love in a blissful place of 8-10 hours of slumber, with rest filling our eyes instead of stress.

~For both of my dear children to fall in their beds at a reasonable time without debate & to finally accept the Sandman's gift to sleep until the sun climbs above the horizon!!!

You see, I don't ask for much these days, HAha!

"Happy Happy Merry Merry"

I will not give out a million reasons why I feel funky about the Holidays very recently.  I am going to first tell you the pure non-sugar coated reasons........
Plain and simple life just gets more stressful, we travel to the technical side of the holidays. "Okay gotta make that list...did I send out those cards....oh good God are we going to have enough money to get every little thing the children asked us for??!!!..."

I am declaring war on this behavior!!!!!!!!!

I threw in the towel on birthday gatherings due to consistent heartbreak by people, so why not the Holidays also!?! What keeps me together is truly my children. So these progressed negative anxieties I have for the holidays are now fueled by something out there called "Face--booking".... The place that provides you with more of a reminder that most of your friends and relatives all gather together with each other to celebrate in merriment. Things only are getting more complicated with time & I just want to throw in the holiday towel!! OH of course I will not. I wonder what my dad would have to say if he were still here.
I flashback continuously to childhood & how Christmas literally meant the WORLD to me. All I can remember was the most intense feeling of belonging, acceptance, togetherness & love.... (who am I kidding, I also remember lace cookies, glass candy & LOTS of presents!)
Well once again I listen to holiday music way too early, not because I'm overjoyed, but because if I don't I am afraid I will be found out by my kids..... I don't want them to know these feelings I try so hard to get rid of.

  My son is holding this leaf..... I took this photo when we hiked a little trail to explore nature & fly a kite once we got to an open field!♥ It was a great day  ♥ 
   
A little reminder to try & find beauty in simple things........ This leaf represents the little miracles & wonders in life. It was used to teach my young boys to appreciate these amazing promises the universe has for us if we JUST Stop, Look & Love!♥

For many years I have noticed that I mastered the art of denial. I am waking up. It's intense to say the least. Going through each day as time quickly passes I notice how destructive our society is. I mean, how intensely fearful & controlling we all are..... I can't help but get frustrated when I have the deep desire to explain my thoughts to someone or question them on their behavior. I could and would never place judgement on someone but every once in a while would like to figure out why people do what they do. I wonder every day... if people weren't so fearful... would we all be so controlling.??

Enlighten yourself here okay! ....

Picture this if you will:   If there was less fear of going "poor" would we be so stressed out trying to control our lives & other's lives to gain wealth?   If there wasn't so much stress would there be less disease?
There are moments I have to reflect on whether I am allowing my children to bear witness to any of these stressors. I want to ultimately make sure that they don't learn to use control factors to get what they want in life, or yet let people manipulate or control them...

When I was diagnosed with cervical cancer I was going through the most stressful part of my life.... I am free and clear now, but it took quite some time to free myself from the stress and controls in life. Life by no means is free from problems, but quite honestly it's how you react to them that will determine how you let yourself evolve.

Once again open your mind and picture this fantasy....
If you could have all of your loved ones back, free from diseases, no worries.... would you give up your insecurities of status or wealth?? Would you live a simple humble existence if you were promised peace of mind and good health??? Some people I know would still have Tiffany's dreams and ex-boyfriend nightmares BUT how would it feel to be in a genuine state of peace.
I know this is not a realistic possibility but maybe if we try to treat each other with respect no matter what our individual beliefs are, maybe if we stopped living beyond our means, and maybe if we can just be satisfied with being alive and appreciate nature.... instead of "wanting" could we find something inside us or in nature or spirituality that can fill the void we seem to think we have?

~It's something to think about.~

First thought.......

I ultimately found a place to share some of what goes on when a 35 year old adult spoiled brat raises two little boys.  I couldn't be more happy about it either.  I am always more than happy to accept guidance myself, therefore it is very easy to "put us out there" as my significant other would like to describe it! This new little adventure of mine will find myself some momentary comfort especially looking to the very cold Chicago winter we are about to go through. I will hopefully find lots of time to inform or just lightly entertain with our daily chaos... and there is lots of chaos. 

Introduction;-)

I'm educated but not always very smart,
I'm too soft and too hard.... where it counts.
I can be very creative, sometimes lacking in muse.
I know certain things real well,
I too have a good story to tell....... I am the Betsy Johnson of sorts!! (sans cartwheel)